Suffer Little Children

So facebook tells me that the girl who famously told me I couldn’t play the part of Wonder Woman during recess when I was five-years-old (because everyone knew that Wonder Woman was white) is now a grade school teacher…

And the world prepares for newer, more pissed off versions of me.

 

Are You Fucking Kidding Me? (Facebook Song)

It’s essential to our sanity to lose touch with people, which is why facebook sucks. To be able to filter who has contact with you and knows about your life and who doesn’t without having to “friend” or “ignore” someone was nice way back when. And then the actual communication aspect of it; there was a romance in letters and mix tapes, and even unexpected emails and voicemails later on. There was an intimacy and honesty mixed with a healthy dose of mystery, anticipation and privacy. That’s all dead now.

I like that facebook has allowed me to reconnect with some old friends and that it also makes it easier to be lazy/casual with people who I don’t ever want to be trapped in a phone conversation with, but who I also don’t necessarily think totally suck. I also feel like so much less of a loser about being unattached now that I can see how false my high expectations are considering what the lives (and lovers) of most people I know look like. Ha, facebook might have actually helped me to realize that my life doesn’t suck at all, which is why facebook has owned me for the past few months. I’ve been lost in my shock and nosiness.

Facebook also played a key role in me recognizing bad situations for what they are fairly quickly. The fact that Rico Suave rashly friended me allowed me to see him for what he really was. There is no mystery or coolness to his life. The bottom line is that he doesn’t work, he fucks absolute whores who have tattoos and horrific grammar (nothing is worse than a girl who overly abbreviates and “lolzz”‘s a photo caption) and he sits at home and plays Farmville while I’m out working for the man every night and day. Nothing is hot about that. I finally ended things with him and the funny part about that is that my unreturned texts and phone calls didn’t clue him into the situation as clearly as my “unfriending” of him did because it wasn’t until after that that he cooled off. Sorry no free access to me or my life anymore buddy when it’s so clear that you just don’t belong there.

Plus part of his appeal in the beginning was what I considered to be his honesty. He never acted like I was his only girl or that he wanted me to be, he was a self-described “slut,” but  facebook taught me that he too was a liar. It’s amazing actually because I held him to such low standards to begin with, just be real with me, but he couldn’t even do that. He’d say he was going to one of his “homeboy’s” parties an hour before he was meeting me but since I’m pretty good at facebook stalking I knew he was really going to some whore’s calendar release party. Like what am I stupid? Am I incapable of clicking over to her “public” profile and seeing what’s going on in her life since you write on her fucking wall all the time? Yeah, chucking up the deuces, “homeboy.” Nice knowin’ ya and thanks for the STD testing bills. It’s been real.

It was also the “friending” of another complete asshole I met while visiting an out-of-state friend for a college football game that sort of shined a light into my life. He was an old college friend of my friend and he was cute and nice and all and we hooked up (no sex but if I’m being honest that was only because he was too fucked up to make that happen, not because of any chastity on my part) but I wasn’t super into him while he was all up in my face that weekend, well mainly because he was all up in my face and we know what I masochist I can be. Liking a guy that immediately likes me, yeah right it’s never that easy. But after the weekend was over it seemed like everything my friend told me about him made me like him more (his dad was gay, he sailed, he seemed lonely to her) and I started to feel regret. I knew I messed up when my friend read me his latest facebook status update at lunch an hour before I was to head back home: “Nothing gold stays.” Ok wait did I let a good one go? Cause clearly we were meant for each other. I immediately told my friend to suggest us as friends of facebook to open the door enough for me to send him a friend request and a nice message apologizing for maybe being a little standoffish after we hooked up (I was actually pretty mean but whatever, he might have been on speed one night and was a little odd himself). I mean yeah he lived in the midwest but like a wise friend once said to me, I’m like a mythical creature that lands on earth and learns everything she knows from bad romance books and movies SOOO I naturally assumed that although we had just met, we could fall madly in love and I’d move to the middle of nowhere or he’d move to NY eventually so that we could be together, drug problem or not. If he’d only reply to my nice message and friend me on facebook that is. Well he did respond, almost immediately, and we went back and forth a little (his last message to me ending with “anyway thanks and take care”) and then I clicked his info tab. Um … dude was in a relationship. Yeah, there were pictures of him kissing this girl and everything. I almost threw up. Here I was feeling like a bitch for not being receptive to a nice, interesting guy who maybe liked me (which would be so different from the assholes I had been picking up until this point) when in reality he was the biggest asshole of all and I was just some piece of ass, some jump off he hooked up with on vacation. “Thanks and take care.” Amazing. So yeah hooking up with guys I just meet, that’s got to end and it’s got to end now because they will only ever see me as that girl. There’s no romance there and I think maybe I finally get that.

Interestingly enough I was out-of-state visiting one of my best friends and favorite people of all time who I reconnected with mainly because of, yep, facebook. Long story short, turns out she’s been sleeping with a married dude for three years while pretty much living with her boyfriend of almost two years. I didn’t find this out until two weeks after my visit and it really pissed me off to be honest. I had spent a weekend with her and her boyfriend thinking she was one person and once again, rug totally pulled out from under me. She even had the nerve to feign disgust at the fact that her friend hooked up with me and had a girlfriend back home. Bitch, please.

Where is the integrity?! Like seriously why does everyone suck so hard? My brother has a theory that it’s about the house you grow up in. If you learned to lie at a young age (broken home, parents cheating etc) you think nothing of it as an adult. I can’t fully wrap my head around that. I mean clearly I’m an open book and I think lying is just dumb, it’s like cheating your way through life, and I’m not saying you have to be as open as I am but jesus, maybe have some human decency. Maybe put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I mean I think honesty is the best gift you can give someone but maybe if you learned differently at a young age, or you are just a sociopath, you see it very differently. I don’t know I don’t get it I really don’t but I know for sure that I’ve had it with lying liars who lie. I have zero patience for it right now and I feel strong enough to walk away from those obviously toxic situations no matter how tempting they may be. Who needs the drama? Seriously. Over it.

Oh I also unfriended that dude that I virtually met on match years ago who friended me and who I’d play with occasionally hoping he’d finally ask me out. It had been months and I realized that if he didn’t two years ago when he had the chance he wasn’t going to now. I waited, I gave him a second chance and then one night I realized that if I spent one second trying to figure out why that wasn’t happening when he clearly seemed interested in me (even two years later) that that was a second too long so I just cut the cord. Call me empowerment! I’ve just had it with lazy ass paper gangtas and game players. Put up or shut up and get out of my life, real and virtual.

 

“gonna take my hips to a man who cares”

 

free fallin’

“I can spend my whole life good will hunting, only good gonna come is it’s good when I’m cuming.”

Word Kanye. Kinda the philosophy that guided me this entire summer. No point in holding out for the “real thing” which I may or may not even believe is out there for me so I’ll just enjoy whatever impulsive, carnal pleasures life has to offer. Well you know what, I need to get over that.

I saw myself starting to lose the game last week with Rico Suave when I texted him something dumb about sports that didn’t necessarily require a response but in my head would have gotten one if he was vibing on me the same way I was on him. I felt bad about it all day and facebook stalked him and saw he friended a new floozey who won’t graduate from college until next year (whatever public inf0) so it’s clearly not an old friend and they clearly have nothing in common, except sex. Awesome. God how does that not get boring for him? Empty? Ugh whatever. Point is I need to stop, stop it all I get nothing out of it.

Plus it’s not like this is even close to normal for me I just lost my mind a little recently is all. I’m pretty black and white about everything including sex. It’s all about extremes. I didn’t lose my virginity at a young age and I can go for long periods without it, hell I can go a year without even kissing someone … or I can have sex with three guys in like two months. It’s pretty manic behaviour but, well that’s me. But I think it’s time to stop now. It’s all such predictable failure, such self-induced drama and heartache. I’m not a casual girl, I just think too much and feel too much so casual behavior is not terribly productive for me. I just feel dumb asking the world for what I really want.

Anyway Rico texted me that he wanted to get together and of course, I said yes and he came over and we watched a game together. He seemed, I dunno, like cool. He actually picked up the phone to CALL me (stop texting!) that day to let me know he was running late from his job (um yeah he has an actual job for the next three months apparently) and then again to ask if I wanted him to stop and get anything. It’s sad but our past meetings were so casual that these simple acts impressed me. He comes over, we have fun we talk, we are relating like actual human beings. Of course as soon as the fourth quarter starts he’s trying to make moves but I’m telling him it ain’t gonna happen, the game is on, I don’t make out when the Jets are playing. I even say, “buddy, you are so not getting laid tonight” just to take a stand and show him that I mean business! This was going to be the night that I was going to tell him that we couldn’t have sex anymore and that maybe we are better as friends because I can’t sleep with a player. That didn’t exactly happen. We go back and forth. The convo gets silly and a tad bit uncomfortable (looking back) as I once again freak out about disease and his apparent roster of women and things are said like: “we aren’t in a committed relationship … although I know you aren’t trying to make me your boyfriend .. we can both do our own thing.” I mean ouch. Yeah I’m clear on that but I’m not doing my own thing, who has time to juggle boys? It’s just you boyfriend but apparently it’s not just me for you. Also what boy says that who is interested in you?

Whatever, so anyway he’s pretty calm and level headed about the whole thing and at a certain point he’s like ok you have to tell me what you want and if we are calling it a night. Hearing those words scares me and I realize then that I’m not letting him go. Yeah I’m ACTUALLY using SEX to keep this guy around. Absolutely bananas. I’m 15 years old. The sex is as fun as it always is but it’s also as dangerous as it always is. I’m NOT being as careful as I should be with him, HIM of ALL people. I have no idea what I’m doing seriously. He talks about things he wants to do with me like how I have to take a day off to go to Six Flags with him or something we’ll do the next time he sees me and that’s all I need to hear to make it ok that I don’t hear from him for a week at a time. I’m totally on auto pilot these days watching a movie, a tragic Lifetime movie of some pathetic girl I’d want to punch in the face in real life. Except, wow this IS my real life. And I don’t seem to care about it at all anymore. Masochistic doesn’t even describe what I’m doing, it’s pathological actually. I have no end game. All my friends keep asking me what I want from this and I have no answer. I want him to like me I want him to change for me, why not me what’s wrong with me? I must know somewhere in my excuse for a brain that this won’t happen but the limbo is good enough for me now. At least it’s something. Plus he’s damaged so maybe I can convince him to love me. I’m realizing now that this is my problem in general whether it be boys, my career, my health, the general direction of my life — I have no end game. I’m not goal oriented anymore and when you live like that you are just begging for trouble. When our grandmothers told us that if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything, they really knew what they were talking about. It’s like crazy that it took this to get me to realize that at a certain point I just kind of gave up, on everything. I’m not sure I have any real hope for more anymore. I need to wake up and snap out of this blah. I need to figure out what the hell I want and be ok with asking for it.

 

jesus forgive me (for the things i’m about to say)

Ok so … I might have been avoiding sitting down to write about this because I knew it would make it real. I don’t even know where to start. Let’s see … Rico Suave had been texting me, texting me evil funny things to make me kind of warm up to him (not that I was ever cold with him obviously). I would respond and we’d always have fun banter but I knew when to pull back. I would always let him initiate texting, I was playing the game to win. Then last (last) Sunday while I was at the football game I got a few texts from him. We went back and forth again but this banter was more direct. He mentioned going to an out of state football game with me, he made a funny, sexy body part reference, it just seemed more .. legit. Like he was texting for a purpose and not just to be an annoying indecisive douchebag with no intentions of making plans (see also Fuck & Run). After I got home and took a much needed tailgating -induced nap I awoke to find a text a few hours later suggesting we get together to discuss football soon … in the nude. It was the perfect let’s get together and let’s keep it light way to ask a girl out for a total player I guess. Whatever in my head I was fine with it. We set a date for early last week, we met (super late on a weeknight for me but I was just rolling with it) and my god we had fun. I’ve never met anyone like this guy. He’s smart, he’s (hopefully) really honest, he’s quick and he says things here and there that make me just want to eat him up because you can tell that he has a compassion about certain situations that most people don’t have because he’s lived a full and crazy life. He’s also is not shy or seemingly insincere about how attracted he is to me or how he thinks about the parts of me that he adores when I’m not around. I like being with him, I mean he’s just insanely easy to be around. So anyway we are at his fave bars, he introduces me around to his friends as his “homegirl” and we just have fun interacting with people. I make sure he sees two Italian tourists flirting with me just so that he remembers he’s not the only one with game which he actually doesn’t seem to have a problem understanding as he was also quick to point out any guy staring at me. He is just so natural it’s … disarming. I mean he literally said to me that he doesn’t believe in marriage (which I’m not sure I do either so that’s fine) and that he doesn’t think it’s natural for a man to be with just one woman … that I sort of had a problem with but he’s hypnotizing so I shrug it off like the fool I am. I mean I know he’s seeing other people and we’ve only been out twice so why even step into that trap now? He’s testing me and I refuse to let him peg me yet. Especially since the more we talked the more I found out about him like that fact that he has had exclusive relationships and that he was even engaged once because this girl was the “exception” but he doesn’t like talking about what happened. All of this makes him that much more intriguing to a masochist like me. He’s broken and I’m the king’s horses and the king’s men serendipitously stepping into his life at the right time, as he’s stepped into mine. Two crazy, flawed, good, passionate, hot and cold people who sort of get each other and kind of sort of just get “it.” Having said that, we could never work. He works odd jobs and probably deals drugs on the side for all I know (keep reading). He’s a self-proclaimed vampire who goes out every night and gets home around the same time that the rest of us are slamming our snooze buttons. Why am I about to drive myself crazy with this guy? If he gives me herpes I will literally crawl up in a hole somewhere and die because this is not smart or terribly productive behavior and it’s not worth the risk we all run with casual sex. I mean my germophobic, hypochondriac mind knows this but still I can’t stop. So yeah at the end of the night we end up back at his place which I found surprisingly NOT scary and actually peaceful. I have no idea why I feel safe with him I just do. We obviously hooked up it was obviously fun and then he drove me home the next morning. I showed up to work the next day glowing. Then I remembered he friended me on facebook at the bar. OMG stalking time! “Awesome this will be fun” was the naive thought in my mind. Uh no. Never friend anyone your’e casually dating girlies, bad bad idea. So I go to his page to find that he may possibly be seeing two other girls, both very pretty and VERY different than me. Like tattooed badasses .. like him. I’m like Posh Spice next to these ladies but I dunno, maybe that’s the attraction. I mean let’s be real, I love a bad boy (and he might have mentioned that he served time on a drug offense years ago) so whatever. I didn’t appreciate the fact that he commented on one of the whore’s statuses a few times. It wasn’t that amusing and he was definitely flirting. Why is he a fan of Kim Kardashian? Gross. I should unfriend him but I won’t. Hell I should stop seeing him … but I won’t. We’ve texted since last week about football and that’s it so far. I don’t know what’s going to happen next.

In another strange development I met a really cute fireman on Saturday night. Let me repeat, REALLY. CUTE. FIREMAN. It was at a birthday celebration for a friend of a friend. We flirted, we talked politics, good times. At the end of the night we go outside to find my friend and his WIFE having a smoke. I couldn’t believe he was married … AND THAT HIS WIFE WAS AT THE BAR WATCHING US THE WHOLE TIME. I felt horrible and dumb. I played it off and acted like it was normal the same way they did I mean maybe I was the crazy one thinking we were vibing right? Wrong. The next morning at 7am I get a private facebook message from him (meaning he obviously searched for me on our mutual friend’s page cause he didn’t know my last name). Creepy. What’s even creepier is that fact that he didn’t friend me, he just chose to send a private message so that a certain person maybe wouldn’t see. He sent another private message the next day. Seriously buddy?

I’m now convinced that I just attract trash. Good looking trash, but trash nonetheless. I wonder what that says about me.

 

the name of the game

Lazy Saturday afternoon watching an MSNBC special about dwarfs. I’m mildly obsessed with these documentary style programs, it’s the social anthropologist in me I guess. Anyway there’s this one dwarf, Martha, with so much spunk and courage. She’s actually shorter than most dwarfs at two feet tall yet she goes out into the world working as a teacher at an at risk middle school. Chutzpah. We love Martha. Then she starts talking about how she was boy crazy in high school and how all her friends had boyfriends but she didn’t because she was different. Ok I really love Martha now, having gone to white schools my entire life I can certainly relate. After this moving, honest moment we are introduced to Martha’s current boyfriend! Yeah, go Martha! He’s small at 4’10″ but not technically a dwarf. He talks about why he likes Martha, says some nice things about her attitude, then he goes on to say: “Martha was the first girl that I’ve dated in my entire life that is shorter than me. It’s very refreshing to get something off of a shelve for her ’cause she cant reach it and it does give me that warm fuzzy feeling inside that I can be her man.” Um ok, hold the phone. There goes my warm and fuzzy feeling. Wtf. Ok so again it comes down to men wanting to feel needed/superior in some way?! Am I crazy in being grossed out by this, maybe too sensitive? I mean ew. Only I can watch a show about dwarfs and still find a way to get annoyed about my situation.

 

kids in america

Am I the only one really disturbed by the dancing baby/Beyonce clips floating around? I meeeeeaaan …

It’s like the brilliant part in Mean Girls when Regina George’s little sister is in front of the TV getting her like 5-year-old flash on while watching Girls Gone Wild. This really isn’t that cute, it’s scary. My parents used to tape me dancing to (a clothed) Rod Stewart at this age and look how I turned out. Also I can assure you they weren’t yelling “let’s see that booty” in the background. You know what though, I guess those songs were pretty racy too … Passion, Do Ya Think I’m Sexy … ok what is wrong with parents?! It’s a slippery slope from here young lady so someone put a shirt on that baby if she’s aiming for a ring!

 

when love comes to town

Recovering from a u2 concert last night and gearing up for another one tonight. I wait patiently for this every four years or so. I’m not religious but this is the equivalent of church for me. Divine music intervention. My head is, well, spinning. I’ll have more to say once my extremities stop tingling.

 

brooklyn (we go hard)

This is why I hate transplants who come here and get jobs at New York Magazine (.com) and then tell the rest of us what’s cool and where to live.

Is it time to move back from Brooklyn?

Seriously? You overpaid for your tiny pad in “New York County” and are mad that we are so fly in the county of KINGS! Suck it.

 

i predict a riot

Ok I work really hard to try and not get myself riled up about bullshit politics. I stopped speaking to two close friends during the primaries and haven’t watched an episode of my former favorite show, 30 Rock, since then (did not appreciate Tina Fey’s “bitch is the new black” SNL commentary), that’s how passionate I get about the issues. I obviously don’t watch Fox News and try to avoid even reading stories about that “network” but this mofo was on the cover of the Time Magazine I just got in the mail and I finally had to stop running. Obviously I know who Glenn Beck is and I know the hate he spews but reading that article made me REALLY think about it. Is this even happening right now? No one was more surprised than I when Obama was elected without a single legitimate assassination attempt and as ugly as things got, and they got ugly, everything still went a lot smoother than I would have ever imagined. I didn’t even want to go to the inauguration for fear of some serious craziness breaking out. Hello, we have a black president people. ‘Pac wasn’t the only one who thought we weren’t ready for that. But I’m realizing now that the election was the category five storm that came barreling across the country. Despite apocalyptic predictions, we rode it out, we survived. Our houses stood on November 5th. But much like Katrina, it turned out the eerie calm after the storm would be short lived and our country’s faulty levies are taking the form of birthers, tea baggers and right wing extremists. Will the floodgates burst, well that remains to be seen but it’s not looking good and I’m sure people like me are the reason. I mean I still think reasonable citizens outnumber straight up crazies, but I also think that a lot of us figured that with the right guy in office and a majority in both houses, we could finally sit back and relax. We hand delivered the Democrats the power to do whatever they wanted, which we assumed would take the form of their campaign promises. We should be able to kick back now and enjoy the moment right? Ha, no. I was on the phone during the primaries and elections, I volunteered, I was all about enacting change … and now I barely turn on political shows or read real newspapers cause I’m so over fighting and getting pissed off. I’m exhausted. I don’t think I’m alone in this but we all need to SNAP OUT OF IT! Time to put the gloves back on cause this shit can’t fly for much longer without something really, really bad happening. I know a lot of people think it’s really funny that a congressman would yell at the president in front of the entire world, but it’s anything but and it’s sets a ridiculously scary precedent. There was more outrage about a dumb VMA acceptance speech (I refuse to give that more publicity so if you don’t know what I’m referring to good on you). It’s bananas scary out there at the moment.